Like other substance addicts, tech-crazed geeks live in a state of denial. But just how addicted are you? Take this simple test to find out.
Answer each of the 50 questions below and give yourself one point per question you answer “yes” to. At the end, score yourself. Be honest, this is just for your own benefit… until you report your shocking score in comments, that is.
1. Do you eat most of your meals while at the computer or in front of the television?
2. Do you sometimes bring your laptop when you sit on the toilet?
3. Do you check your feeds more than 1x per hour?
4. Do you make a nervous habit out of refreshing your inbox over and over, just in case someone emailed you in the last 45 seconds?
5. Can you not remember the last time you didn’t check online reviews before eating at a new restaurant?
6. Do you freak out if you’re in a car and there’s no GPS?
7. Does the verb “tweet” come up regularly in your real-life conversations?
8. Have you ever changed vacation plans based on wi-fi availability?
9. Are there more than two portable electronic devices within reach right now?
10. If your house were on fire, would you run in to rescue your laptop?
11. Are you closer with some online-only friends than people you actually see in real life?
12. Are you pretty sure you’d have killed yourself if you lived in the days before Internet?
13. Do you buy things online that you could easily drive across town to get in person?
14. Do “electronics” have their own category in your monthly budget?
15. Are you a member of any sort of online “guild?”
16. Do you answer questions in support forums when you’re bored?
17. Do you bring your smartphone with you to church?
18. Do you own 3 or more video gaming systems? (Oh come on, portables count.)
19. Do you have multiple t-shirts with references to Internet memes, linux, or webcomics?
20. Do you know what the word “meme” means, for that matter?
21. Has your significant other (or mom, if applicable) ever banned you from your smartphone?
22. Do you spend more time on Facebook than you do in the presence of actual people?
23. Are you currently in a virtual relationship? (WOW, Second Life, etc)
24. Do you have 3 or more active social media accounts?
25. When something happens in your life, is your first thought usually “facebook status” or “How can I fit this into 140 characters?”
26. Do you need multiple wall outlets to charge all your stuff at night?
27. When you sit down in a coffeeshop, do you tend to position yourself close to a power outlet “just in case”?
28. Do you generally spend most of your day looking at a computer screen and then go home… only to look at a computer screen for the rest of the night?
29. Have phrases like “BRB” and “ROFL” worked their way into your real vocabulary?
30. Do you often skip meals because you’ve lost track of time in front of the computer?
31. Do you call people by their screen names when you see them in real life?
32. Do you have more than five tabs open in your browser right now?
33. Are there more than three screens of some kind in the room you’re in right now?
34. Are there more computers in your house than there are people?
35. Do you tweet or read blogs while watching movies at home?
36. Do you put your phone on vibrate at the movie theater rather than turn it off, even though you’re not expecting anything important?
37. Have you ever turned down a romantic encounter in order to play video games?
38. Does your Internet usage cut into the time you should be spending on personal hygiene?
39. When you see the last names Cerf, Otellini, Ballmer and Berners-Lee, do you know who is being mentioned?
40. Do you ever leave your laptop open in social settings, even though you aren’t actually doing anything on it?
41. Have you ever had a dream where you were surfing the Internet?
42. Can you type text messages faster than you can handwrite the same words?
43. Have you ever left an event or date early so you could get online?
44. Would you classify yourself as an “expert” multitasker?
45. Can you read machine code?
46. Do you regularly have to put blocks of ice, portable fans, or frozen packages of hash browns on or near your computer to keep it cool?
47. Do you have carpal tunnel syndrome?
48. Do you keep multiple webcams around your house?
49. Are you up on the computer past 3am at least once a week?
50. Did you make it all the way to the end of this quiz?
0-1: Clean as a Whistle – You are either 95 years old, or you lie compulsively to make yourself feel better about your internet addiction. Sorry to call you out like that.
2-9: Social Drinker – You’re not great with technology, but dabble. You probably play sports and actually have a significant other. Either that or you’ve recently been released from Internet rehab and haven’t slipped back to the old ways yet.
10-19: Coffee Fiend – You’re about as plugged in as the next person—but you gotta have your daily fix. Let’s face it, gadgets are everywhere nowadays, right? That’s what you tell yourself at least, but what you don’t know is everyone calls you “nerd breath” behind your back.
20-29: Chainsmoker – You recognize that you’re a little too plugged in, and you’re trying to quit. Your tech addictions are starting to ruin your social interactions, between signing out of the real world every 10 seconds and stinking up the room when you enter. Take this as your cue to shower.
30-39: Pothead – You’re addicted, but you have no desire to quit. There’s a box of Ho Hos on the desk, and you had to brush Cheeto dust off the keyboard to log into your computer, which you keep password protected with heavy encryption. You hurried through this quiz because your guild is waiting for you in the other window. You really should consider counseling.
40-49: Crackhead – You get all shaky when you think about technology, always searching for your next fix. You’ve considered constructing a biotech bathtub for your body to lie in, so you can plug your consciousness permanently into the Internet. Family members are planning to stage an intervention and check you into a clinic. You look forward to the shock therapy.
50: Permafried – There’s no higher brain activity going on anymore. Doctors should prescribe you video games and/or marijuana for medicinal purposes. Just to keep you from flat lining.