TIMES OF INDIA,27TH DECEMBER,2008
S U B V E R S E JUGULAR VEIN
Odds and evens
A lot of people are wondering what’s happened to Raj Thackeray of late. Ever since 26/11 there hasn’t been a choo from the self-proclaimed champion of the Marathi manoos. Where’s he gone and what’s he up to? Has he pushed off on a secret Mission Impossible into Pakistan to avenge the terrorist attack on Mumbai and bring LeT commander Zakiur Rehman Lakhvi, kicking and screaming, to India for justice, with Dawood Ibrahim as a New Year bonus? No one knows. But the other night i had a curious dream in which that stalwart upholder
of Marathiness had come to take up residence in the National Media Centre, the Gurgaon housing society
where i live and which is, in many ways, a microcosm of India.
In my dream, no sooner had Raj settled in than he began to cast a keen eye around for any Marathi manoos on whose behalf he could take up cudgels. There were indeed Marathi manoos in the NMC. The trouble was that they could not be told apart, not even by themselves, from the non-Marathi manoos, i.e. Punjabi manoos, and Haryanvi manoos, and Bengali manoos, and Gujarati manoos, and Malayali manoos, and Tamil manoos, and even a few foreign manoos, like American manoos, English manoos, and Russian manoos, who also lived in, or were associated with, the NMC. Not only did all this bewildering variety of manooses — poor Raj hadn’t had the faintest idea that there could possibly be so many different varieties, even more than all 31 flavours of Baskin-Robbins — live together but they were often inextricably linked to each other through ties of marriage, or profession, or common interests. Heck, it was all so mixed up, that Raj himself couldn’t tell apart the Marathi manoos from his non-Marathi NMC neighbour.
That being the unfortunate case, how was Raj to fulfil his life’s vocation of creating parochial rifts in any given community? Some people collect stamps; Raj collected rifts. But here in the mini-India of the NMC, where were the rifts for Raj, or anyone else, to collect? But Raj is nothing if not innovative. If there were no rifts in the NMC, then he would have to create them. How so? In a flash, it came to him. Numbers. If he could not create rifts on the basis of community, he would create rifts on the basis of numbers. This seemed quite easy to do.
The NMC has 190 houses, numbered from 1 to 190. These could be divided — or rifted, if you prefer, which Raj did — into odd numbered houses and even numbered houses. For example, 1 was an odd numbered house, in that
the number 1 is an odd number, which cannot be divided by 2. On the other hand, or the other rift, if
you prefer, which Raj did, 190 is an even numbered house, as 190 can be divided by 2. So Raj began his divisive campaign.
He told all the even numbers that all the odd numbers were, well, to put it frankly, distinctly odd. As in weird, strange, angular, unpredictable, funny, not ha-ha funny, but funny-funny, like psycho-funny, like people-who-bay-at-thefull-moon-funny. In short, odd numbers were not to be trusted and should be given not just short shrift but also short shift, as in shortly shifted out of the NMC. Then Raj told all the odd numbers that even numbers were, well, to put it frankly, even. Which meant they were divisible by 2, and as everyone knew, anything or anyone who was divisible was essentially unstable, unpredictable, undependable, a split personality. In short, a sicko with whom one should have absolutely no truck, lorry, or bus.
Raj spread his message of divisiveness. But the harder he tried the less he succeeded. Odds and evens seemed closer together than ever before. Why wasn’t his plan working? Simple. It was because of the number that Raj himself was. He was neither odd nor even, but when added to any other number, odd or even, made everything even. That’s right, what Raj was, always had been, always would be, was a perfect zero.
A perfect article!! Where is Mr.Thackery now? When his “manoos” needs him there is not a single whimper from him or any of his dumb followers. This shows how important he & his mafiadom MNS actually are. Actions speak more than words…so coming into my college breaking stuff, bashing ppl, regales you to just being another goonda.In national/the international arena you hardly have any presence. When everything has quieted down they will come out thumping there chests about how they would have handled situation. They will take up arms against muslims or ppl of pakistani origin but not address the root problem of terrorism. They know their pomp & show will only work on the common defenseless man. They are worried about “bhayias” taking over Maharashtra when they are being assaulted by terrorists. Where were your lathi wielding, “Jai Maharashtra” screaming band of fools, when mumbai was under siege? Why don’t you devote your energy in assisting authorities to prevent these acts?
Jug Surayia was right…whatever you do you will always be a zero